-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
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Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
rich people when they have to pay taxes
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”