I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
You Might Also Like
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*My Gym Schedule*
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Arrived home super drunk. Put the turkey in the oven and went up and banged my wife. Woke up next to the turkey. Afraid to check the oven.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy