Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
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I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home