“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.

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Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.


PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.


Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.


Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.


Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.


It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.


If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.


Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY


Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?