“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
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I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.