@slimmy_shady

“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.

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@idiosity

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

@KentWGraham

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

@SamGrittner

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

@TheCatWhisprer

Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.

@Peauxtassium

It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.

@AnnietheNanny1

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

@DiGiornoPizza

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

@amandajpanda

Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?