“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
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A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.