@Fab_Mommy_

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

You Might Also Like

@rebrafsim

You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical

@peterjames48

Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”

@megstalter

hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie

@david8hughes

[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition

@prufrockluvsong

Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s

Him: SENTENCES

Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you

@In_Twittaland

No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.

Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.

@CornerPubRon

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

@Shelts99

If you’ve watched the scene in Platoon where he gets shot in the back 44 times.

You’ve pretty much seen my reaction to a wedding invite.