“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
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Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
North and South
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.