“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

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You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical


Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”


hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie


[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition


Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s


Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you


No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.

Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.


After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.


If you’ve watched the scene in Platoon where he gets shot in the back 44 times.

You’ve pretty much seen my reaction to a wedding invite.