Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
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Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
did it work
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.