Get a TATTOO they said!
A rock band tattoo would be the BEST they said!
Creed will be popular FOREVER they said!

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What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.


The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.


Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.


I wish cartoons would have prepared me for working and doing taxes instead of, like, quicksand


Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?


ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants


Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud


For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.


Txt my wife to ask if the gardener came & how 5yo’s 1st day of school was.

She txt back “He’s naked on the couch”.

I’m afraid to ask who..


[watching Olympic Figure Skating]


T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was

Me: oh