I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
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“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.