Passed by a old school Math example today.
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Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Meanwhile in Portland…
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce