My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
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If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.