@TheBoydP

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

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@patrickmarkryan

On a positive note, once Trump becomes president and burns the world to the ground, our student loan debt is essentially wiped clean

@AndyAsAdjective

KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?

BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…

@Divergentmama

Me: [unsure about my hair]

Hairdresser: So, what do you think?

Me: OMG it’s perfect, I love it so much, thank you!!

@FunnyBison

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

@urmumsausername

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

@gavinpivott

“I put my gear back in fourth.” – Willow Smith learning to drive, maybe.

@MissHavisham

Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.

@IvoryGazelle

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

@House_Feminist

me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*

[20 minutes later]

me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us

@timdonakowski

I wish someone would challenge me so I could help raise awareness for ice buckets.