On a positive note, once Trump becomes president and burns the world to the ground, our student loan debt is essentially wiped clean
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
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KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Me: [unsure about my hair]
Hairdresser: So, what do you think?
Me: OMG it’s perfect, I love it so much, thank you!!
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!
ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
“I put my gear back in fourth.” – Willow Smith learning to drive, maybe.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
I wish someone would challenge me so I could help raise awareness for ice buckets.