Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
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I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Boating season is upon us.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?