Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
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Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.