“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
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I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please