Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
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WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?