Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
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Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.