“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
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I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.