Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
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A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
No, he would not have.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?