@copymama

Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”

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@YoungNobler

Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

@WilliamAder

Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.

@GuyConfused

Love my pillow so much because it doesn’t leave my house in the morning after spending the night with me.

@JhonRules

*dumps Gatorade on an alligator*
How does your family taste you green piece of shit

@EtobicokeErnie

Watching a cooking show and the host said you can use leftover beer to make battered chicken wings. What the hell is leftover beer?

@YSylon

[In emergency room]

mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?

dr. frankenstein: 75,000.

@geowizzacist

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

@Cheeseboy22

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”