Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”

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Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line


Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.


Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.


Love my pillow so much because it doesn’t leave my house in the morning after spending the night with me.


*dumps Gatorade on an alligator*
How does your family taste you green piece of shit


Watching a cooking show and the host said you can use leftover beer to make battered chicken wings. What the hell is leftover beer?


[In emergency room]

mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?

dr. frankenstein: 75,000.


Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?


When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”