Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

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[in bed]
me: can i share something without being judged

date: um ok sure what is it

me: i… i have a foot fetish

date: oh that’s not that weird i-

me: *placing her exactly 12 inches from me* ohhhh yeah that’s the stuff


Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.


How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?


You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.


I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.


Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.


If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve


the human has started opening and shutting the garage door. pretending to have just gotten home. because they missed how excited that makes me