@DadandBuried

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

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@MsFoxIfUrNasty

M: I have what they call animal magnetism.

H: *sidles up to me*
*winks* Oh yeah?

M: Uh-huh. *points to squirrel affixed to stray cat*

@TheHyyyype

[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]

“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”

*covers it with towel*

“ok now it’s safe”

@Bookbunny6

Weight lifting male friend: Man, I had such a clean snatch.

Me: Same! Just waxed!

Him: What?

Me *smirks*: What?

@relatabledad

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

@flashember

[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good

@benmathaicomedy

‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.

@4SLars

Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.

@PrisonCookies

My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

@Emily_R_King

My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”