Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
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My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
😆this is so true
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Monday Lisa
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.