Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
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[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
When you’re here for the treats.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.