Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
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You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.