@jakob_huber

“Get me another beer, boy”
“Dad I’m an adult. My name’s Bobby”
“It’s time you knew the truth boy. The 2nd & 3rd B’s in your name are silent”

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.

@AmandaRNH

6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?

Me: um…

6: when plants die can they be ghosts?

Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.

@WheelTod

Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.

@PyrBliss

I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.

@ArfMeasures

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

@MorticiaKate

Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching

@LMLMadness

Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.

@Thee1_4U

Having kids isn’t that bad, just don’t have like the really young ones.

@2tickytacky

I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.

@TheAlexNevil

People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.