thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
You Might Also Like
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…