16: Our teachers won’t let us charge our phones. Even if we’re on 1%. It’s not safe.
Me: Nobody even put me in a car seat.
Get off my lawn. Oh, it’s you. Mow the lawn.
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The sampler tester at the liquor store told me to stop coming back every hour in a disguise.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit