kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
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Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”