@nimble__nick

Get off my lawn. Oh, it’s you. Mow the lawn.
-My dad

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@SaltyCorpse

16: Our teachers won’t let us charge our phones. Even if we’re on 1%. It’s not safe.

Me: Nobody even put me in a car seat.

@The_MartiniGirl

The sampler tester at the liquor store told me to stop coming back every hour in a disguise.

@RandomAntics

When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.

@candy_badass

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

@clindsaysway

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

@YearOfRat

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

@CrockettForReal

Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?

@olerunkbitch

I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.

@iamrandomape

[job interview]

BOSS: biggest weakness?

ME: I never know when to quit

BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired

ME: I quit