Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition

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NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System

PLUTO: I’m back, baby!

NASA: because we found a new one!



How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.


Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.


A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.


*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG


My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.


[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]

Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.


HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too


Maybe in ten years we can forget this foolishness and be friends. In the mean time I hope you drop dead, and I will come to your funeral in a red dress, you horror of a human being.

-Me to my Ex.