@davidharvey

Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition

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@Jenny4ashley

[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next

@squirrel74wkgn

[leaving for vacation]

Me: Do we have everything?

Kids: Yes!

Me: Let’s go!

[5 min up road]

Son: Dad, where’s mommy?

Me: *makes u-turn*

@thenatewolf

They should make 9-1-2 a number you can call when it’s not quite an emergency but you still need to vent.

“Hello, Operator? Yeah, there’s a bird on my car… No, I’m in the house, but I can see him through the window.”

@AlmightyBored

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

@Quartzjixler

There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.

@tombrodude

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

@theSolemnBard

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

@ryanbroems

*leaves church*

*sees McChicken video*

*goes back to church*

@Sassafrantz

[date]
Me: Are you a serial killer? You have to tell me if you are.
Him: That’s a cop.
Me: Changing the subject, just like a serial killer