Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
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me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
They should make 9-1-2 a number you can call when it’s not quite an emergency but you still need to vent.
“Hello, Operator? Yeah, there’s a bird on my car… No, I’m in the house, but I can see him through the window.”
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
*sees McChicken video*
*goes back to church*
Me: Are you a serial killer? You have to tell me if you are.
Him: That’s a cop.
Me: Changing the subject, just like a serial killer