NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
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My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
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5.awesome