@davidharvey

Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition

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@druuuck

NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System

PLUTO: I’m back, baby!

NASA: because we found a new one!

PLUTO: SON OF A

@skitzoette

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

@madam_daze

Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

@JohnLyonTweets

A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.

@Rollmaninoz

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

@bamitsbland

My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.

@RodLacroix

[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]

Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.

@ClichedOut

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

@mexinonblonde

Maybe in ten years we can forget this foolishness and be friends. In the mean time I hope you drop dead, and I will come to your funeral in a red dress, you horror of a human being.

-Me to my Ex.