Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.

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“The only way I’d go to a Justin Bieber concert, is if it was a Jay-Z concert” – my 9 yr old daughter


Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi


The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.


If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.


me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*

[20 minutes later]

me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us


Neighbor: can you watch my dog?

Me: like through your window?

N: no, I meant like-

Me: cause I don’t do that now

N: watc-

Me: okay once


My husband has burned my grilled cheese. I can’t see it or smell it yet, but there is a palpable disturbance in The Force.


Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.


I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*


One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.