Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
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Tear gas is the saddest gas.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
a lot to unpack here
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money