GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
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Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.