GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.

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Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.


My son just hugged me.

Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.


Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain


I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.


Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.


Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.


Dog ate raw chicken so I called the vet to see what I could do

He asked what I think they eat in the wild. Basically, he called me an idiot


“I want you back in my arms…”

– me, drowsily, to the bag of blood hanging beside the donation bed


“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles