@platinum2000

“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog

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@JoParkerBear

MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!

@Fred_Delicious

[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]

@theshantilly

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

@ddsmidt

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

@LoSucks

Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers

@dyldonot

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.

@squirrel74wkgn

[in living room]

Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it

@jellybnbonanza

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”