“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog

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MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!


[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]


My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.


If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*


Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers


Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.


[in living room]

Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it


Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”