Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
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My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”