Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.

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5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath


*cleaning out wallet*

Wife: Why don’t you just buy a new one?

Me: What? This thing’s practically brand new

*finds Nirvana ticket stubbs*


If I see someone is too drunk I take their keys. Not for safety, they’re probably blacked out and just won’t remember I stole their car.


If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills


I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.


Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.


Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…

Me: $3,800

Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…

Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.



Currently trying to figure out how to tase someone through the phone.

In case anybody wanted to know how my day is going.


My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.


Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.