Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
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Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format