“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
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Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.