@theydidthemath

Get shit on Ava

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@MooseAllain

“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”

@PaperWash

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

@impaulmccoy

Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok

@Rollmaninoz

BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement

@Try2StopME

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.

@SteveSackington

My neighbor gave my kid a whistle today.

He is survived by his wife Linda.
In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to my bail money fund.

@Just__J0

Table for one, please.

Ma’am, your family is right behind you.

@heidi420x

I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.

-Lies I’ve told to cops.

@_Shizzle

They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says “Eating Doritos”.