“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
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goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
My neighbor gave my kid a whistle today.
He is survived by his wife Linda.
In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to my bail money fund.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.
-Lies I’ve told to cops.
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says “Eating Doritos”.