Girl: Some1 in my house can’t call 911 they’ll hear me pls help.
Me (after waiting 20 minutes to text back so I don’t seem desperate): hey
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ME: Being a scientist is just asking questions. So, in a way, we’re all scientists.
ACTUAL SCIENTIST: No. Becoming a scientist requires years of-
ME: Looking up at the stars in wonderment. I hear you, respected peer.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
50% Forrest Gump
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Elephant: oh no
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
me: *swimming in nile* u dont think there are any alligators in here right
me: *eaten alive by crocodiles*
friend: alligators aren’t indigenous to africa
Sorry, package of water bottles. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.