Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
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I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
This might be the funniest tweet ever
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
lmao
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.