Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
You Might Also Like
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
God, I love Scotland
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
broke down and did it
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
i now pronounce you bounced.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.