“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
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Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.