@SashaBrenner

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

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@MissHavisham

Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.

@mattytalks

Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs

@roxiqt

DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys

ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys

@kDuncanG

Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?

WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.

@Manda_like_wine

I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”

@bombsydoll

Aliens scoop me up & put me in a big glass jar w holes poked in the lid. They scatter Pringles inside to simulate my natural environment.

@LuvPug

My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.

@AngelaEhh

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

@Uniquicorn

*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear

@ThugRaccoons

Sirens: *luring me to my death*

Me: *finger guns*

Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.