Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
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Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Aliens scoop me up & put me in a big glass jar w holes poked in the lid. They scatter Pringles inside to simulate my natural environment.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.