I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
You Might Also Like
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.