Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
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What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day