@I_am_Lukem

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

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@Brampersandon_

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

@gabbazaba

my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”

@Roxtalled

Found out the name of my neighbor’s cat.

In other news, I now have free internet.

@david8hughes

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

@KalvinMacleod

PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.

@JimmerThatisAll

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

@Brentweets

I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”

@crylosec

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

@byrdie_num_num

Few people have the balls to admit when they’re wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls.