Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
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No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Why is this me 😫
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.