Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
“Get your poop in a group” is a childish way of saying “get your shit together” but I prefer my take of “gather the pieces of your feces”
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Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
“What’re you in for?” “I had a solid tweet *takes drag off cigarette* and no one faved it. I just lost it.” “We’ve all been there, brother.”
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Do you know how many poisonous apples I’d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?