It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
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Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
me working on my assignments ^-^
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.