Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
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instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Safety first
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Peace was never an option
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Looking at you, Jesus.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’