@JPLFR80

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

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@clichedout

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

@Crunk_Jews

People who use a vacation day the day after Christmas to have relatives over clearly don’t understand the meaning of the word vacation.

@Mostly_Cheese

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

@thetits

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

@jonnysun

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

@Yankeegiant72

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

@aotakeo

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

@UnFitz

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

@rockymomax

EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen

@Darlainky

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane