“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
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The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Dolls on drugs
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring