HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
ME: did the dog put you up to this
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
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People who use a vacation day the day after Christmas to have relatives over clearly don’t understand the meaning of the word vacation.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
E: dammit Stephen
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane