“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
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[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad