Get your therapist to start taking you seriously by pulling a donut out of your purse.
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“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
me when i see my girls butt
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”