People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
You Might Also Like
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.