@Vodkantots

Get your therapist to start taking you seriously by pulling a donut out of your purse.

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@NYC_Blonde

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

@robfee

Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.

@ArfMeasures

COP: Are you drunk?

ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff

@SortaBad

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

@NYorNothing

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

@2tickytacky

“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”

“Have you checked the chandelier?”