Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
You Might Also Like
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.