Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
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who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
He’s cranky this morning
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.