-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
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When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.