Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
You Might Also Like
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.