*Gets 500 word angry text from ex

*responds, you mad bro?

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Suez Canal: what the hell?

container ship: PARKOUR!


Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.


I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.


My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.


What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?


Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.


How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed


dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol