@theshamingofjay

*Gets 500 word angry text from ex

*responds, you mad bro?

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@Gupton68

Suez Canal: what the hell?

container ship: PARKOUR!

@WilliamAder

Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.

@AmishPornStar1

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

@JustASmirk

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

@abbycohenwl

What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.

@daemonic3

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

@Skoogeth

dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol