WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
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I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I never know what to do with my hands during pictures,
so I get it gang members, I totally get it.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
My favorite part of the bible is when god gives people free will and then kills everyone with a flood for not acting the way he wanted .