@ElKnuckelhombre

*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*

*puts it on a squirrel*

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@flashember

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

@YourMomsucksTho

I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus

@difficultpatty

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

@slaughthie

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

@fro_vo

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

@LosLos__

I never know what to do with my hands during pictures,
so I get it gang members, I totally get it.

@shutupmikeginn

Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan

@HomeProbably

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

@clindsaysway

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

@RatBatallion

My favorite part of the bible is when god gives people free will and then kills everyone with a flood for not acting the way he wanted .