Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
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Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!