*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
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I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁