JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
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Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.