*gets abducted by aliens* thank you. you have no idea how much i hated living on that planet

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Biden: why can’t I log into my twitter what’s everyone talking about today



COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*


*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you


You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.


I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?


*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*

“What’s this idiot doing?”


i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire


*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?