My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
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A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.