*gets abducted by aliens* thank you. you have no idea how much i hated living on that planet

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Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.


If you want to drink and drive you better bring enough for the whole highway.


ME: when I was 12 I got the flu so bad I had to be in the hospital

GUY WHO TRIES TO ONE-UP EVERY STORY: oh yeah? when I was 13 I died


Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.


There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.


3 year old daughter: “I want marijuana.”
Me: “What did you say?”
3 year old: “Marijuana.”
Me: “Huh? I don’t know what you’re asking for.”
3 year old gets remote and turns on Netflix and points to movie.
Me: “OOOHHH…Moana!”


hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here


interviewer: what is ur weakness?

me: follow up questions

interview: care to elaborate?

me: [quivers with fear]


If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office


Dude, I can’t tweet AND know when the light turns green.
I’m pretty, not magical.